I came across this joke written by Clement Paul Aburime and I just had to share it. I think I did a wiwi on my pants...
I come from a family that loves beans. We love beans so much that we eat it, morning, afternoon, and night.
My dad was a police officer, he told me how he almost missed a promotion exam because of beans.
I was on my way to the East and had eaten more than enough beans the night before.
Early in the morning, I boarded a fully air-conditioned Humer bus at Jibowu bus stop.
We commenced the journey like every other good people, no wahala.
We stopped at Ore at about 9.30 am to eat. The driver was selfish to drop us at a place where food was very costly. Apparently, the drivers are normally given free packages when they bring clients to them.
I had to buy things outside the fast-food joint. I bought an egg roll, suya, and groundnuts.
They were all bad combinations, coupled with a bottle of palm wine with which I escorted all the things I bought down my system.
After eating, we continued the journey. We hadn't gone for 15 minutes when a serious protest in my stomach began. The reaction was worse than South African xenophobia.
I was afraid and shy to notify the driver to stop the vehicle so I could go and ease myself because of other passengers.
At that time a man was preaching on the bus with anger as if he was doing it against his will. All his preaching was about hell fire, hell fire.
But the tension was unbearable I thought to myself which hell fire will be worse than what I was going through.
I started sweating profusely even under the heavy air condition on the bus. Finally, I threw caution to the wind and shouted to the bus driver, "Oga abeg look for somewhere and park, I wan shit."
The Edo driver shouted at me, "your father, come force me to stop na, you nor see toilet for Ore? Useless man." Every passenger on the bus was on me, some abusing my ancestors, some my father, while the rest abused my village... Some even accused me of wanting to rob them with my gang. Even the preacher was angry with me.
They all asked why I didn't do it when we stopped to eat at Ore, but I was not discouraged. I shouted again at the driver to stop and he said, "my friend shit am there."
My younger brother Koko who was on the bus with me whispered to me, "bros, things like this you convert it to mess, so you can get some relief without causing any harm." Based on my condition, I bought the idea immediately.
So when the tension became unbearable, I raised my bumbum as if I was adjusting my sitting position. I released the first silent but deadly mess, pheeewww shhhhhhhh.
OMG! It was the worst thing I had ever perceived in the past thirty years. The stench was like a gas bomb, worse than a sulphuric acid eruption, highly choking. The air condition didn't help matters as it amplified and spread the mess around to every part of the vehicle.
The man sitting next to me by the right who was eating chicken looked at me, he looked at my brother, he smelt his chicken and said, "it looks like something is sparking in this vehicle, or is it my chicken that is smelling like this? These fast food people can kill person o."
I shook my head and said, "honestly, people are wicked, better stop buying chicken there." The man said, "you are right." He threw it away. But my stomach was not okay yet. I released the second mess concurrently in a double progression, it was like a biological weapon.
A little child that was breastfeeding on her mother's breast while sleeping screamed with terrifying fear as if a dreaded Ogoni masquerade chased her in her dream. Her mother started pleading the blood.
Two passengers behind me started accusing each other of being responsible, but none of them remembered me. Even the few flies that were inside the bus were flying haphazardly like drunken creatures. I just maintained. In a moment, the bus was like a madhouse with quarrels amongst passengers. They abused each other with their different languages.
When I released the third one, I started getting some relief, but there was abrupt silence like a spell. The preacher started shouting, " I can see there is a foul spirit in this bus. If you know you are here trying to do the mandate of the devil, confess now or I will invoke fire from heaven."
I didn't mind him because I was saving my life, so I released the fourth one, he started shouting, "every contrary spirit that has been mandated to kill us in this bus, what are you waiting for? Die by fire, die by fire."
It was as if the more I released the mess the more it formed again, so I released another deadly one. The preacher kept quiet and slowly sat down as if he had been given a spiritual slap for trying to touch the anointing of the lord. He kept murmuring the blood of Jesus, with tears streaming down his eyes like someone who was slicing onions.
The driver suddenly stopped the bus and said, "wey that man wen wan shit? I beg come go shit before you kill all my passengers. You no get conscience? Abi you no dey go church? This na new motor wey company give me, see how you don change the scent."
I told him that I don't want to shit anymore. I was enjoying the drama. Come and see o, for the past three hours, we were parked at a place and everyone was begging me to go and shit.
Leave a comment and let me know if this is the messiest joke you've read in a while.
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